News, Satire

Breaking News: Trump Signs Executive Order Restoring Prohibition

Refusing to concede to defeat to Joe Biden in the 2020 presidential election, Donald Trump has decided to play Grinch for this Christmas. He has signed Executive Order EO 13969 reinstating Prohibition in all 50 States.

Regarding his Executive Order, Trump said the following, “You know this is something magnificent that I have wanted to do for this great country of ours for a very, very long time. I always thought that the swamp creatures in congress made a big mistake repealing the Eighteenth Amendment, and I am here to tell you America, we will make Prohibition great again!”

The executive order takes effect immediately and sales of liquor will be suspended in all fifty states as well as overseas territories of the United States. When asked what he thought the impact would be on the $363 billion liquor industry, including its four million workers, Mr. Trump responded, “They don’t drink in China, they don’t drink in Saudi Arabia, the don’t drink in India. It won’t kill anybody if we don’t drink here,” adding that people will replace their consumption of alcohol with healthier alternatives, like high fructose corn syrup sweetened soft drinks.

Queried about the Executive Order and how law enforcement would handle it, the Karl Wilpong, outgoing head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms released the following statement, “We are prepared to handle all eventualities related to the President’s actions. We have units standing by ready to empty liquor stores, destroy warehouse liquor, and intercept illegal trafficking of alcohol. Prohibition worked so well the first time around, we see no problem with enforcement in this era.”

In response to the question of how those violating the order should be handled, Mr. Trump shrugged and seemed to quote Sheriff McClelland in the 1968 classic film, Night of the Living Dead, “Well, there’s no problem. If you have a gun, shoot ’em in the head. That’s a sure way to kill ’em. If you don’t, get yourself a club or a torch. Beat ’em or burn ’em. They go up pretty easy.”

In further remarks in defense of his executive action, the President noted that many of the people who voted against him in the recent election were “obviously drunk” and that Vice President elect Kamala Harris, “is a notorious lush”, adding “this should fix her wagon. That nasty woman will not know which end of her socialist end is which.” The President, a well-known tea-totaller who grew up with an alcoholic brother and blames the spirit industry for his fate, is also known to not swear, smoke, or tell the truth.

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