Dating, Dr Lovestrange

The Sound of Silence

You may have read the piece about ghosting published here on the DMC recently. Perhaps you’ve been lucky enough to have never been ghosted or had enough integrity to have never ghosted…but there’s a good chance you have been on at least one side of that equation. I have been on both sides and I decided months ago to make sure I don’t do it any more. Why? Well, Pink Floyd said it very well:

Don’t accept that what’s happening
Is just a case of others’ suffering
Or you’ll find that you’re joining in
The turning away

I do sometimes struggle with understanding why people go silent. I suspect that a mixture of cowardice and laziness is the root cause.

My take on Bumble:

If you don’t know how Bumble works, essentially men and women can swipe however much they want but nothing happens until there is a match and the woman starts the conversation. I’ve met several women through Bumble and most of the time they were perfectly nice, we either didn’t share values, or attraction, or more rarely, both.

The women I have met through Bumble have mostly said they like having to make the first move because it means they get to see who they matched with and can then decide whether or not they actually want to talk. This allows for more casually swiping and more carefully considering the men they matched with. That reduces the time and energy they have to spend closely reading profiles and dealing with unwanted attention from a misjudged swipe – btw, I don’t count it as ghosting if you never engage in the first place.

I think this is a strong selling point for Bumble. I am aware that, for the most part, men are more aggressive in dating as well as in life in general. I also think men tend to deploy more of a shotgun approach to dating whereas women tend to be more selective, more of a sniper approach, if you will. As a man, the women making the first move appeals to me because I assume it means there was an initial mutual attraction and the woman has since had an opportunity to decide whether or not to act on it. I’m probably overthinking it though.

A real world example, with some Hinge thrown in for good measure:

Here is a woman I initially matched with on Bumble. As is the case on Bumble, she said hi to get things moving. My reply, as I told her a couple of days after not hearing back, was probably too forward for her liking. She could have told me, unmatched and moved on, but instead she said her silence was for medical reasons. Feeling empathetic, I asked again if she wanted to meet and she said she would in a week or so when she was feeling better. Five days went by when I came across her profile on Hinge. Like me, she was active on more than one dating app. This itself is fodder for a separate post. I shared having found her on Hinge only because whatever algorithm Hinge uses was suggesting that we should meet. Her agreement seemed somewhat lukewarm but she did suggest a date. I immediately told her I could not meet that specific day and offered three alternatives. Then….nothing….for almost month. I sent another message to show my continued interest but I have not heard back. I assume I will not.

So what happened here? I admit I was probably too forward initially. When she gave medical reasons I took her at her word. When she suggested a day I replied promptly. Is she alive and well? I have no idea. If I hear back I will let you know.


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